May I Take Your Order In The Court!

Here goes NOTHIN’. You can say that like muffin with an “N” if you want – because sometimes toddler-talk is fun. And because it reminds me of my childhood dog, Muffin, who my mother wanted to name “Asta”. She had epileptic seizures and ran away every other time the door opened, ultimately getting hit by a car dead – my mom… not Muffin. It was weird.

Joking aside, I’m coming up with a “Things I Expect” for cash chart – or just a “Things You’d Better Do If You’re 8 And Under And Want To Live In Peace” list. And that includes the baby. She’d better pony up if she knows what’s good for her!

This will be the first set allowance the boys have earned. We’ve had prior reward systems, sticker charts, and goodie boxes. The latest “incentive” charts are filled with little round dot stickers, each worth one quarter. The guys can either save or cash-in any time they set their minds on an item they’d like to eventually have or see in passing and have enough to spend. The idea really does work. It’s amazing what you can get out of a kid for twenty-five cents. The quarters add up pretty quickly… AND seem to get their attention when faced with losing 4 or 10 if they don’t comply with the CEASE-AND-DESIST order at bath-time with the splashing. Lord Jesus, the SPLASHING!

But, do you know how hard it is to be concise enough to fit everything on an eighteen-by-twenty-four piece of poster-board paper? Boys are seriously horses of a different color. They pee on toilet-seats. They leave granola-bar wrappers laying on desk-tops. They spit toothpaste directly into the bathroom mirror, leave soggy bath-towels in the middle of the floor, shoes littering the living room, and dresser drawers open and disheveled like they’ve been digging for buried treasure. And even now, I’m not doing anything to remedy the situation for them. So, it’s not as if I’m trying to untangle a whole host of maid-services I haven’t provided. But why must I remind them EVERY TIME, “If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.”… “Where does that go?”… "Um, excuse me, no. Fix that."... “Why is that on the floor?”… and on and on and on 'til the break'o break'o dawn.

I know how much they have the potential to earn. I know how they can lose anywhere from a quarter to a dollar per job undone. I just don’t know how to wrangle these beasts into submission without having to remind them of every single detail for every single set of circumstances. Must I micromanage their moves? A friend of mine with 4 boys suggested I adopt their household rule that no one stand at the toilet, no matter the job. Sitting down solves all her problems. I mentioned the idea to these folks and you would have thought I was recommending castration as an appropriate answer to all bathroom predicaments. I just want this place to run like a well-oiled court room, that’s all. Err uhh... Ya know.

So, here we go. ALL RISE!!! Court is in session!